By Lisette E. Torres
As a newly disabled Puerto Rican scholar-activist, I have been grappling with how to continue my scholarship in the academy. I have begun a process of returning to meditation and slowness after stopping due to graduate school.
In this multimedia blog post, I narrate my poem that focuses on my use of Taiji as an embodied meditative practice and form of resistance through self-care. As I read my poem aloud, my friend Sanae Burris from Lincoln Taiji Association demonstrates the Taiji 10-form that is referenced in the audio.
I use my intersectional identity as a lens into the culture of the academy. Throughout the poem, I talk about how I use Taiji to confront the daily threats to my physical and psychological well-being – imposter syndrome, stereotypes, patriarchy (in the form of the White, male gaze), cultural taxation, neoliberalism (which focuses on production), and racial microaggressions and racism. It allows me to slow down and focus on my body, mind, and spirit.
As I highlight in my poem, Taiji encourages me to re-center myself and to remind myself of the strength and resilience of my Puerto Rican ancestors and community, especially Puerto Rican women. It lets me focus on the present moment, to come to terms with and embrace being newly disabled. It reminds me that to be able to work with others to affirm social justice, one needs to work on and care for oneself.
*When you watch the Youtube video below, please put subtitle/captions on to see the script.
Below is the script:
I try to center myself and prepare,
the crown of my head perpendicular to the heavens.
I inhale deeply.
My mind begins to slow, muscles begin to relax.
My arms swim smoothly through the air in front of me.
I push imposter syndrome and self-defeating mindsets away from me.
I focus on my breathing, existing in the present moment.
I brush away the day’s racial micro- and macro-aggressions,
recalling the brilliance and resilience of my people.
I wipe off the judgement that comes with the White/male gaze,
the hypervisibility and invisibility.
Another deep breath and then exhale.
I separate my true self from the master narratives
that perpetuate racialized gendered stereotypes.
The process of respiration and the slow,
rhythmic movements connect me to Mother Earth.
I remove myself from the pressures of the academy,
the cultural taxation and the socialized need to be (materially) productive.
I stare beyond my hands as they move across my stoic face.
I try to clear my mind of haunting memories of rejection,
racial battle fatigue, chronic illness.
My hands erase recent experiences with anxiety, hypertension,
emergency room tests, and the imminence of mortality.
As I balance, I remind myself that I am strong and
that I come from a long line of strong Boricua women.
As I balance, I remind myself that I am worth slowing down.
My son needs me, my community needs me.
I kick away the barriers in my mind placed there
by internalized oppression.
I strike out against coloniality, marginalization,
cultural imperialism, and exploitation.
Growing confident, I ward off burn out, sickness,
fatigue, frustration, and aggravation.
I pull towards me love, humility, and compassion,
while pushing back against bigotry and hate.
I ward off carelessness and apathy, ignorance and colorblindness,
willful negation and denial – all enemies of human rights and social justice.
I bring in hope, courage, and passion, while pushing back against
cynicism, cowardice, and inaction.
I open myself up to the present moment and to the future,
uplifted and standing firm.
I am here . . . and I am not going anywhere.
Lisette E. Torres is a trained scientist and disabled scholar-activist whose work focuses on addressing racial and gender inequity in science. As a doctoral candidate in the School of Education at Iowa State University, she is examining how scientist bloggers of color disrupt or maintain master narratives surrounding knowledge production and dissemination as public intellectuals. She also works full-time as an assistant director of a writing center at Nebraska Wesleyan University. She is a co-founder of the National Coalition for Latinxs with Disabilities (CNLD) and an active member of Science for the People. She loves to spend time with her family going to nature areas as well as practicing Taiji as a member of the Lincoln Taiji Association.
Featured image by Antonika