How I am Embracing the Uncertainty of Tomorrow

By Kevin Pajaro

As a new professional of color with a graduate degree, I now recognize how my educational journey overall has left me feeling fragmented, confused, lost, and scared. At the moment, I am struggling to embrace the uncertainty of tomorrow. Not having my next career-related transition mapped out cements a deep fear that I am not living up to the potential I have for myself, nor the potential others see in me.

I am a son of working-class Dominican and Colombian immigrants. My parents’ support meant I was on the right path towards honoring the sacrifices they made in coming to the United States. When my parents would say to me “Mijo, ponte las pilas!” or “my son, you gotta get it together!” I knew I always had to have a plan driving my future success. If I didn’t, I feared their disappointment in me.

Dealing with Shame

I convinced myself that the idea of putting “deadlines” on my achievements was crucial to my overall development. Whether it was graduating from high school as salutatorian or having recently earned my Master’s, my life has been defined by the milestones I have achieved. When I got accepted into graduate school, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride. As a first-generation Afro-Latino, a Master’s degree was an opportunity to make a bold statement about the ability of people of color to succeed in higher education.

However, as I got further into my program, I started to question my sense of purpose. I remember reading a powerful article for a class that highlighted shame. Walker (2017) articulates that shame is what we feel when we believe we don’t belong or that something is wrong with us/our group. I was excited because this text helped to re-frame shame as an essential human emotion that can be understood to inform my growth as a person. Thereafter, I had a conversation with my then-professor-now-mentor about how shame has shown up for me in my life and how I could make sense of it. He powerfully stated that “people who steer you in a certain direction may be dealing with shame themselves.”

When I heard this statement, I thought to myself, how can people so invested in my success be dealing with shame? I later realized that for some, the opportunities I am presented with are moments they were once denied or could not take advantage of due to their life’s circumstances. When these folks see me, there is an endless possibility for what my success can look like. The genuine effort from those guiding me towards “striving for more” may be rooted in the shame they feel for not being afforded the chances to do so themselves at one point.

As I think about how shame shows up in communities of color, I can better understand where my sense of shame comes from. For many, I am a first-generation, Afro-Latino Master’s degree holder who earned a job and health benefits. I am a living representation of what is possible for my communities.

But, what they don’t know is that I often feel anxious. I am ashamed at myself for not knowing what my next career or education-related move is. I have been so focused on always improving to fulfill the vision of others have of me, but never asked myself “is this what I want?”

Moving Forward

I need to show myself compassion and love. I know I should give myself the space to be unsure about the future, but it’s never easy in practice. I get caught up on whether or not folks in my life will approve of major life decisions/changes. I hope for a day that allows me to live up to my own potential that I know I possess without the pressure of pleasing others. I hope to learn how to embrace stillness, be present, and appreciate the now.

I don’t know what lies ahead, and I am learning that’s okay. While I still feel the need to be in control, I am actively working on letting go of the need to know what comes next. I am sure the current hardship I am experiencing is tied to an important lesson the universe is showing me. I give myself permission to exist, follow what makes me excited, and remember that I am enough.

Dealing with Shame

Moving Forward

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