By Kimine Mayuzumi
Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame. – Brené Brown
A couple of days ago, my family and I went out clothes shopping in the evening. While in a store, my partner pointed out black ink stains all over the front of my white winter jacket. I looked around and found a black ball-point pen without a lid in the pocket of my purse and saw the ink leaking through. I tried to laugh it away.
However, throughout the time spent shopping in the store, I was agitated by the ink all over my jacket. I did not want to go close up to the clerk or other people. I could not get too close to the clothes for sale either. I was concerned I might ruin them with the black ink on my hand and the jacket. I lost my peace of mind, which I had until I found out about the ink. We (my partner, kids and I) were having a great evening joking around and laughing so much. How could this one little incident ruin my evening?
The little incident actually triggered something bigger inside me. Through this experience, I went through transformative learning about shame resilience and self compassion that we need when “life” just happens. Here are five lessons I learned that come to mind.
1. It was about shame
Upon reflection, what this little incident triggered was a feeling of shame. Brené Brown defines shame as “the fear of not being worthy of being loved or belonging.” My shameful feeling came from certain expectations, one of which is not to have dirty clothes on amid all the clean clothes being sold. I prioritized the expectation to be met over self-compassion in this matter. Although I was trying to accept what had happened in my outlook, I still did not want other people to see me in the jacket. As my agitation level went higher, I felt like hiding. I was trying not to be in a panic in public but to stay calm while, inside me, I was completely impacted. I was feeling unworthy of belonging in the store. I lost a sense of peace.
2. What shame can do
It was interesting to observe my agitation. Only a few minutes before I found out about the ink, I was laughing with my kids so much about silly jokes in the car. It completely changed my mood. I could not enjoy being at the store or being with my kids either. I started raising my voice to my kids, who began chasing each other in the store and being a bit loud. I could not focus on the sweater my partner was purchasing. I did not feel good about myself. My body was becoming stiff.
3. What I needed was self-compassion
Brené Brown emphasizes one of the important things needed to be resilient in a shameful situation is self-compassion. Was I compassionate to myself in the store? I think not. Instead, I was focusing on the fact that I was not meeting the expectation of being a welcomed customer/individual in the clothing store.
Other than the shame lessons described above, which I learned after coming home, there were other narratives growing inside me even when I was in store.
4. My stuff is temporary
I bought the white jacket with a brand name, Anne Klein, this summer for about $20. It was a second-hand. I just began liking it more and it was my second time wearing it. The black ink ruined not only my jacket but also my Nine West purse, which I bought from a garage sale for $2 a couple of years ago. Too me, it was not just about prices (obviously). But it was more about the stuff I was feeling attached to. No matter how attached I feel or how much I saved with the second-hand shopping, things are all temporary. I have to let go of them sooner or later.
5. Everything has a purpose
As I reflected on the incident, accepted my behavior, and gave myself compassion, I realized more and more that it was meant to happen. It was time to replace the purse, which was actually worn out. I was using it just because it was handy. I am generally not keen on shopping unless things are absolutely necessary or if there is a good sale. Now the black ink made an unremovable stain on the bag, which caused damage to my jacket, so I was convinced that it was time for me to let go of the purse.
I needed to slow down to heal and think about the lessons that I learned from this ink incident. I could have chosen to say, “it was just a little incident, forget about it, and move on.” Then I wouldn’t have thought about shame resilience or self-compassion. I wouldn’t have got a chance to know about or connect with myself. But I chose to reflect on it, partly because I want to learn things from any experience that I have. I am glad that I did. While this incident is only a small one of so many incidents in my life, this can be an analogy for many other situations where I feel agitated and ashamed. I will be able to deal with that kind of situation better next time.
What lessons do you learn from your little incidents like this?
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Gotham books.
Paint drop photo taken by sacks80 and modified