By Dana Kanhai
In February 2018, I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder (SAD). While the exact cause of SAD is unknown, this type of depression is associated with the changing of the seasons and experiencing less sunlight during the fall and winter.
When I was diagnosed, I promptly started light therapy and cognitive behavior therapy which helped tremendously. I finally told my husband how I had been feeling and asked my mother to come stay with us for a little while. She was on a plane from Trinidad and Tobago the very next day and stayed until the end of May. When the spring sunshine arrived, I was happily myself again and took some time to reflect on my experience.
Here’s what I learned about myself and my mental health care. I hope that sharing my experience can provide some insights for others who may be doing grad school work while also balancing many other demands. Depression, anxiety and feelings of isolation are very common in graduate school. While higher education institutions can do a lot to promote mental health among graduate students, I think therefore it is important to talk about and share individual strategies for taking care of mental health and seeking work-life balance. There are 3 strategies that I embrace:
1. Prioritize my mental health care first
Having worked as a psychological counselor, I have always been an advocate of taking care of my mental wellbeing. However, while I knew something didn’t feel right with me, I did not immediately attend to it.
I had papers to write, conferences to attend, and research to do. My husband and I were potty training our twin boys, teaching them to read, and cooking healthy meals. Although I had some wonderful part-time babysitter support, a lot of my time was still spent doing childcare. In between all of this, my husband and I tried to find some time to catch up with and support each other. I thought my mental health care could wait. But then it couldn’t any longer. In both my work and family life, I started to show signs of SAD such as sadness, anxiety and fatigue.
Recognizing that I was not well and needed to prioritize my mental health care was a turning point. I eventually got better. But this experience taught me that I need to take time to attend to my physical and mental status. Coming from sunny Trinidad and Tobago, it never occured to me that how I was feeling was linked to the dull Michigan winter. I just thought I was a busy, stressed-out grad student. Now, I appreciate more the connection between my body and mind and the impact that my environment has on my wellbeing. While I was previously quite cognitive-centric in my understanding of mental health, I now more fully appreciate how important the wellness of the whole body is to my mental health.
2. Nurture human connections outside of grad school to keep perspective
Since I’ve been in grad school, I have remained quite focused on schoolwork and so have not interacted with extended family and friends very often. This I think has led me to live in a bit of a small bubble.
When I experienced my ill health, little disappointments in grad school felt like huge setbacks for me. I didn’t have many points of reference or comparison. I only consulted my own catastrophic thinking for quite some time to evaluate my situation. Because depression made me feel like a bother to my loved ones, I didn’t even confide in my husband or my parents. I was quite miserable with myself.
When I realized that I needed to reach out to old friends and new ones, however, my perspective shifted. My childhood friend told me my world wouldn’t end even if I missed a deadline. Though, yes, it is better to keep those deadlines since I’d be less stressed. A grad school colleague said wisely, “just focus on the next thing when you’re overwhelmed and don’t worry too much about the future.” And one of my previous work mentors said that tiny steps were what I needed to take now, an inch at a time and I would be fine. I opened up to my husband and parents about how I was feeling and was reassured that I was loved and supported. These positive relationships provided the different perspectives which I needed.
3. Appreciate academic mentors who care about me as a whole person
I had reached out to certain important people in need of support. I had been to my doctor who named what I was experiencing and recommended remedies which helped alleviate my symptoms. My mother came to stay with us to give me much needed support with childcare. My husband continued to support me and reassured me that everything would be okay. But a big part of me still felt like I had failed.
It was not until my academic mentors gave me permission to take care of my health that I exhaled, relaxed and turned my fullest attention to getting better. I needed those mentors to normalize that: my experience of graduate school is demanding; trying to balance family life and learning to be a scholar was indeed difficult; everyone gets sick sometimes; and it was okay to take the time to get better. Importantly, these mentors also shared their own stories of how they maintain healthy minds and bodies that I found encouraging. Their words helped alleviate the sense of shame that I was feeling.
Taking care throughout the year
By Spring 2018, the depression lifted and I felt like myself again. I held onto these lessons and continued to practice them throughout the rest of the year. I kept a schedule that included more time for connecting with my husband and children, chatting with family and friends, regular exercise, and some fun travel. These actions helped me maintain the balance between study and my personal life and the positive wellbeing that I worked so hard to attain. Importantly, I realized that attending to my wellbeing benefited my grad school work – I adjusted and met my goals that semester.
Though simple and perhaps obvious, overall I learned that I needed to employ several strategies throughout the year for mental health care and to help balance the demands of my personal life and grad school.
Featured Image by Noah Silliman on Unsplash